Monday, July 03, 2006

My first kiss

My first kiss
Well, all those expecting a romantic little piece are advised to go away now. What follows is one of the grossest blogs ever posted.

All of us have such great expectations from our first kiss. We all remember how it went, how we felt hot in the mouth, how your tongues interlocked, how your head went all blank, how she/he touched you all over, etc. the same happened with me. but there's a minute detail i still haven't divulged. Refer to the third clause: how he/she touched you all over. In my case, it was actually a he/she .... yeah..MY FIRST KISS WAS FROM A EUNUCH. Here’s how it all happened:

Setting: The Guwahati-Cochin express. a cold, December morning. I am traveling back to college all alone.( thank god I was alone. had any of my friends witnessed it, he would have convinced me to jump off the train after the disgraceful smooch). The train starts from Guwahati at 5:30 a.m., so I fell asleep soon after boarding.

Ground zero: somewhere near the Assam Bengal border.

Now, usually, during a eunuch attack, I flee to the toilet. if I cant do that, I remove everything that can be snatched by a eunuch ( cap, specks, MONEY). But alas, I was asleep, that too on the lower berth, and that too with my glasses on. I was a sitting duck for an attacking eunuch. i was completely unprepared, and as my luck would have it, I was struck by one of the most elite eunuch teams in that route. They attack swiftly, quietly, and leave no prisoners. Yes, if eunuchs could be compared to a crack infantry unit, the team that attacked me would be Delta Force (or SAS for anti-Americans). All I felt was a slight nudge and as I opened my eyes, I saw my glasses being snatched away and holstered safely into his/her blouse. I tried to follow them, but they had an extraction plan ready. the eunuch with the package escaped while I had to deal with covering fire from backup-eunuchs. Finally I ran two compartments and caught up with them, begging them to gimme my glasses back. Now this compartment was full of some school kids going for some camp somewhere. It is in this compartment that I was subjected to all the trauma. Anyways, the eunuchs and I agreed on a ransom on 10 bucks for my glasses. I paid the money. But they didn't gimme my glasses back the decent way. One eunuch said, "mai pehnaaungi ", and lunged towards me. I fought with all my might, trying to wrestle the specks out of her hand, while he/she was trying his/her best to place it back on my eyes. I said what the hell, why break the specks for such a trivial thing, let him/her place the specks. Maybe he/she is just good at heart and wants to make it up to me by showing this kind gesture. So I stopped wrestling, and put my arms down. I guess the eunuch just couldn't resist the temptation- a handsome stud, completely unprotected, ready to be deflowered by him/her. The bitch, under the garb of placing the specks on my eyes, came too close, said "jawaan hai, sundar hai"..and then .... SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Right on the lips.

Have you guys seen Saving Private Ryan? In the beginning, there's this scene ( Omaha beach-head) where everything goes blank for Tom Hanks... he goes all numb... and then slowly he regains his senses... this is what happened to me too. By the time I got all my marbles back, the eunuch team had extracted, nowhere to be seen. All I saw was a compartment full of stunned school kids, some of them about to throw up. Then I felt my mouth... why were my lips wet? Did the bitch kiss me? Holy shit! He/she kissed me! Now wait, why does my mouth taste of supaari and guthka, though I never had any of that? Did his/her tongue go in too? Holy shit! His/her tongue went in too! I was so bloody disgusted with myself, so ashamed of myself, that I couldn't even throw up. I just walked back to my own berth, like nothing had ever happened, and went back to sleep.

I woke up four hours later, brushed my teeth away with half the tube of the bada-waala pepsodent that mom had loaded me with, fagged 4 navy-cuts in a row, till I could finally feel normal. Then I chuckled to myself, and went back to sleep, thinking "wait till my girlfriend hears of this".....