Monday, October 27, 2008

UK Survival guide for the average frustrated Indian Male

Annnnd... I'm back! Bloody long time it's been since a blog. Actually i was too busy having a good time in the real world ( i think anyone who posts more than 3 blogs a year is a loser). But it's that time of the year again... Diwali... and my leave request got denied, so here I am, sticking out in the office like a sore thumb, while everyone else has gone home to their mommies and poppies and are having a gajabuja time in general. So with all my beer buddies away, and only a limited collection of porn ( and stamina), i have had to succumb to the last resort for timepass: a blog post.
Anyway, here goes: I had the good fortune of travelling to the UK for about 2 months this year. I thought i would rock the place with my awesomeness. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was wronger ( if there is such a word) than I am wrong at the English section of mock-CATs. I was thoroughly under-prepared. So, i think it is my duty to inform the average beer-swiggin'-crotch-scratchin'-oglin'-bald-fat-bastard-who-is-only-marginally-cool-in-India-but-comes-across-as-a-thorough-bum-anywhere-else Indian male about some peculiarities of that land, and how to prepare for them so that you emerge safely out of all the cultural traps the bloody white man has set up for us all over their country.

I shall enumerate the survival tips in the order of their importance:

4. Wear shades - AT ALL TIMES
You see, when you're walking down the many streets of London, you are bound to see something like this:

or maybe this:

or maybe this:

or maybe this:

But given that you're an average Indian male ( most probably an IT engineer), your luck has always been shitty, and going to the UK won't change a thing, you'll most probably see this:

or this:

Don't worry... I've seen worse.

Anyway, my point is this: On an average stroll through London, a frustrated loser like you is going to stand and ogle at inappropriate stuff atleast 24,000 times.
Here's how it usually goes: Depravity, perverseness and unnecessary curiosity being your flagship virtues, you are bound to just stand there and ogle at the kind of things illustrated above in the pics. Until some firangi guy/female walk past your muttering " ugggh ... these sad, sick brown bastards".
Now there are two ways to avoid such a situation:
1. Don't ogle - Yeah... right. I know its impossible. This is the first time you're seeing wild shit like this which isn't stored as "GRE_tips.avi" in "c:\>program files\backup\...\New Folder".

2. Don't let anyone know where your eyes are looking. And here is where a nice pair of extra-dark Ray-Ban Aviator sun-glasses come in.

To drive my point home, here's a simple demonstration:

See, no one has any idea now where I am staring and what kind of illegal shit is going on in my twisted mind.

So friends, wear shades... AT ALL TIMES... day or night, indoors or outdoors... you never know when the next scantily clad babe will walk past you and drop her handkerchief and then bend down to pick it up... or when the two girls you always thought were good friends suddenly decide to show the world that they are more than just good friends.

3. Carry cigarettes and a lighter after 9:00 p.m.
Even if you don't smoke. You see the percentage of females in the UK who are not drunk after 8:00 p.m. is 0.00001%. And by 9:00 pm, all the drunk females run out of their own stack of cigarettes and explode out of the bar and into the streets begging for a smoke to anyone and everyone. This where you need to be ready with an Indian brand cigarette ( they love Indian cigarettes..esp. Wills Navy Cut , i shit you not... the Indian cigarettes conk them out much faster than their crappy Dunhills and Marlboros), and a Zippo lighter. Bonus points if you know any cool Zippo tricks. These two should be enough to get you lucky.

Again, to drive my point home, illustrations:

See what my non-smoker friend Mangu who always packed a Wills Navy Cut packet and a Zippo lighter got home:

And look at this idiot who obviously forgot to carry smokes:

Notice how there’s no one else in his bed…

2. Get a fancy haircut
It'll save you from sticking out like a sore thumb. You see, the guys in UK actually have a hairstyle. I didn’t see a single guy whose hair was growing accidentally. Every damn strand of hair is there because its meant to be there. Not exactly what Paplu Yadav, your regular barber in India is capable of. So go there, shell out a few pounds and get one of ‘em wild ones. It’ll increase your chances of being allowed within 10 metres of a female exponentially.

Again, illustrations:
Note: AMPC=Average monthly pussy count

His AMPC: 57

His AMPC: 34

His AMPC:92


See? The only difference between me and those bums is a non-accidental hairstyle. Look at the impact it has on my AMPC.

And the Number one survival tip:
In fact, its so bloody important, that I’ll number it Zero.

0. Shave your arsehole
Because they don’t use water. They use tissue-paper. Believe me, you will not find a source of water within 10-mile radius of a commode. Even if you do, you will not find any means of transporting it up to your…well… the general area of application. And that stuff dries up faster than you think it does. Damn, I wish I could explain in more detail, but I’m too grossed out myself right now. So just remember: shave your arsehole before leaving for UK. You’ll understand what I’m talking about once you get there.

So, that’s all folks. It’s a great country otherwise. Follow these 4 rules, and have a much better time over there than I did. Cheers!

Reader discretion advised: Attention girls and prudes, you might find this post offensive. You might not want to read it. There. You've been warned. What? You've already read it and you're totally grossed out? Too bad... go watch Notting Hill or Oprah and you'll be okay again...