Monday, October 27, 2008

UK Survival guide for the average frustrated Indian Male

Annnnd... I'm back! Bloody long time it's been since a blog. Actually i was too busy having a good time in the real world ( i think anyone who posts more than 3 blogs a year is a loser). But it's that time of the year again... Diwali... and my leave request got denied, so here I am, sticking out in the office like a sore thumb, while everyone else has gone home to their mommies and poppies and are having a gajabuja time in general. So with all my beer buddies away, and only a limited collection of porn ( and stamina), i have had to succumb to the last resort for timepass: a blog post.
Anyway, here goes: I had the good fortune of travelling to the UK for about 2 months this year. I thought i would rock the place with my awesomeness. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was wronger ( if there is such a word) than I am wrong at the English section of mock-CATs. I was thoroughly under-prepared. So, i think it is my duty to inform the average beer-swiggin'-crotch-scratchin'-oglin'-bald-fat-bastard-who-is-only-marginally-cool-in-India-but-comes-across-as-a-thorough-bum-anywhere-else Indian male about some peculiarities of that land, and how to prepare for them so that you emerge safely out of all the cultural traps the bloody white man has set up for us all over their country.

I shall enumerate the survival tips in the order of their importance:

4. Wear shades - AT ALL TIMES
You see, when you're walking down the many streets of London, you are bound to see something like this:

or maybe this:

or maybe this:

or maybe this:

But given that you're an average Indian male ( most probably an IT engineer), your luck has always been shitty, and going to the UK won't change a thing, you'll most probably see this:

or this:

Don't worry... I've seen worse.

Anyway, my point is this: On an average stroll through London, a frustrated loser like you is going to stand and ogle at inappropriate stuff atleast 24,000 times.
Here's how it usually goes: Depravity, perverseness and unnecessary curiosity being your flagship virtues, you are bound to just stand there and ogle at the kind of things illustrated above in the pics. Until some firangi guy/female walk past your muttering " ugggh ... these sad, sick brown bastards".
Now there are two ways to avoid such a situation:
1. Don't ogle - Yeah... right. I know its impossible. This is the first time you're seeing wild shit like this which isn't stored as "GRE_tips.avi" in "c:\>program files\backup\...\New Folder".

2. Don't let anyone know where your eyes are looking. And here is where a nice pair of extra-dark Ray-Ban Aviator sun-glasses come in.

To drive my point home, here's a simple demonstration:

See, no one has any idea now where I am staring and what kind of illegal shit is going on in my twisted mind.

So friends, wear shades... AT ALL TIMES... day or night, indoors or outdoors... you never know when the next scantily clad babe will walk past you and drop her handkerchief and then bend down to pick it up... or when the two girls you always thought were good friends suddenly decide to show the world that they are more than just good friends.

3. Carry cigarettes and a lighter after 9:00 p.m.
Even if you don't smoke. You see the percentage of females in the UK who are not drunk after 8:00 p.m. is 0.00001%. And by 9:00 pm, all the drunk females run out of their own stack of cigarettes and explode out of the bar and into the streets begging for a smoke to anyone and everyone. This where you need to be ready with an Indian brand cigarette ( they love Indian cigarettes..esp. Wills Navy Cut , i shit you not... the Indian cigarettes conk them out much faster than their crappy Dunhills and Marlboros), and a Zippo lighter. Bonus points if you know any cool Zippo tricks. These two should be enough to get you lucky.

Again, to drive my point home, illustrations:

See what my non-smoker friend Mangu who always packed a Wills Navy Cut packet and a Zippo lighter got home:

And look at this idiot who obviously forgot to carry smokes:

Notice how there’s no one else in his bed…

2. Get a fancy haircut
It'll save you from sticking out like a sore thumb. You see, the guys in UK actually have a hairstyle. I didn’t see a single guy whose hair was growing accidentally. Every damn strand of hair is there because its meant to be there. Not exactly what Paplu Yadav, your regular barber in India is capable of. So go there, shell out a few pounds and get one of ‘em wild ones. It’ll increase your chances of being allowed within 10 metres of a female exponentially.

Again, illustrations:
Note: AMPC=Average monthly pussy count

His AMPC: 57

His AMPC: 34

His AMPC:92


See? The only difference between me and those bums is a non-accidental hairstyle. Look at the impact it has on my AMPC.

And the Number one survival tip:
In fact, its so bloody important, that I’ll number it Zero.

0. Shave your arsehole
Because they don’t use water. They use tissue-paper. Believe me, you will not find a source of water within 10-mile radius of a commode. Even if you do, you will not find any means of transporting it up to your…well… the general area of application. And that stuff dries up faster than you think it does. Damn, I wish I could explain in more detail, but I’m too grossed out myself right now. So just remember: shave your arsehole before leaving for UK. You’ll understand what I’m talking about once you get there.

So, that’s all folks. It’s a great country otherwise. Follow these 4 rules, and have a much better time over there than I did. Cheers!

Reader discretion advised: Attention girls and prudes, you might find this post offensive. You might not want to read it. There. You've been warned. What? You've already read it and you're totally grossed out? Too bad... go watch Notting Hill or Oprah and you'll be okay again...


Sam said...

pretty well written...but i think there is only one problem...u are a brown bastard...due this reason ur AMPC will never go more than 0!!!

DPhatsez said...

AMPC = k = 0 dude!!!! kismat mein yehi likha hain :D
Happy huntin

Kaushik Mitra said...

Hey Barun ... I was wondering whether you have read this :-

This is arguably one of the most humorous articles I have read in the recent past.
Do let me know how you liked it.

Bullshee said...

Typical Baruny stuff! Hilarious!

But com'on!Admit its a excuse for you to put your photo all over the place...these are the pics that ur especially proud of, right?

Btw, remove the Word verification check for comments!Its a hassle!

Mooooooo said...

this article is only for the people who get to go to the west....or else you're the same indian saying "aren't we cool? we're going to get the bitches tonight !!!"

Bajal said...

Roflmao! good read.

arpz said...

good read :)

nasia said...

hahahah i loved the labels: UK, Vulgar.. ROTFL

Rishi Sambora said...

daymmmmmmmm LMAOOO
thanks for the tips awesome lord!! Im sure il be an aweesomer person now !!!
Earthlings (females) here i come :P:P

Aditya said...

lol... Tres cool!

lady said...

shitty man and your shitty post.... u r truly sick

Nautanki sssaala said...

@lady: read the disclaimer, bitch. btw, as much as i hate to admit, i think you are right.

Anonymous said...

Indian guys abroad for every fifty partners they get abroad they get 2 in you take it for granted that in India all the teen girls are not in front of house in underwear as we see in suburbs of US? they r even nude in front of their fathers! Does India need strip clubs for women to do nude dances for hundreds of men for a few dollars?...but just realize that 1/6 teens are pregnant in US = 80% divorce rates & for each subsequent marriage, 1/3 homes has stepparents situation, 75% of teens have had the high schools the majority white girls show their boobs and walk in underwear shorts...they start having sex at 13 most of them, 1/4 hs some form of herpes virus (lives with you forever) 1/3 has Hpv (causes cancers) both are viral and be caught even with condoms or before you ogle in Us or the other countries..just realize what is going on with their public nudity :)what it means - I laughed reading your blog for hour straight thanks..p.s. India has 1% divorce rate, and Dateline did special we are 2 grades higher maybe since sex nd nudity in public isn't priority for teens in hurts us Indian women have pen***s so of course u have reactions to them showing ni**les & vagi*** in every action comedy drama etc where they don't this in Bollywood..all porn everywhere for everyone ---so our Indian men think white women r more beautiful when they are not :( see this website: anvari .org stars without makeup, by 30's 40's theyare completely aged & get brown spots and tons of wrinkles while Indian women til 60's look 30..for them 35 is 60's..

thanks for laughs!

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mr dixpoio said...

How to Make Pemmican The Ultimate Survival Food

Invented by the natives of North America.

Pemmican was used by Indian scouts as well as early western explorers.

These people spent a great deal of time on the go and depended on having portable, high-energy, highly nutritious, and filling foods that would last for long periods of time without refrigeration.

Click HERE to Learn How to Make Pemmican The Ultimate Survival Food !

People really should avert their gaze from the modern survival thinking for just a bit and also look at

How folks 150 years ago did it!

These guys were the last generation to practice basic things-for a living-that we call survival skills now.

Survival Things Our Great Grandfathers Did Or Built Around The House!