Saturday, July 25, 2009

One-two-cha-cha-cha

This piece is actually 3 months old. I had written this and stored it somewhere in my PC and forgotten. Finally got my hands on it while scrounging for porn in some folder hidden deep inside "c:\windows\system32\", and hence publishing it now. Here goes:

Well there's no polite way to break this in, so I'll be direct: I've joined dancing classes. Ballroom dancing, to be precise ( ballroom dancing, for the uninitiated, is a collection of various dance forms whose names end with -ba: Rumba, Samba, old-monk-ka-Khamba, kuthe-zhaala-aahes-re-thaamba, to name a few). Actually it wasn't entirely my idea. A good friend of the female kind brainwashed me into taking it up. She noticed that i was basically doing nothing on weekends ( by nothing i mean getting myself piss drunk with random people at nights, and nursing the hangover at days while constantly moaning about the glory days when all the bum-chums were right here in Bombay and we would travel 40 km back and forth on a weekday to get drunk at the South Bombay pubs). She also happened to point out my belly which had begun hiding my belt completely now, and the spare tyre that magically sprang up around my waist whenever i sat down. I tried reasoning with her that God didn't want me to dance. But then her raised eyebrow seemed to make much more sense at that time, so i gave in and signed up. I didn't realize that i would be using the popular Hollywood cop-flicks line "i didn't sign up for this" a bit too often from now on.

Anyway, Day One. I enter the room, and see this Greek goddess of an instructor.Oooh lalalala... what a bottom. God must have designed her bottom using AutoCad 9.0, I swear. Absolute perfection. I liked her. (Until she gave me the nickname of "pansy hands", because my hands would always flop out in a girly manner while dancing a particular step). You see, although I had my reservations about taking dancing classes, I didn't have even a bit of doubt in my mind that i wouldn't be absolutely awesome at it. Dancing to me comes like swimming comes to a duck. I was the number one dancer in college ( some would disagree with this, but they're just jealous little cunts). I was the step inventor, step propagator, and the change-the-step-at-the-right-moment-er. Yes, i was the Brahma, Vishnu and Mahesh of dancing. i knew all the steps - amitabh bachchan step, dharmendra step, kite flying step, chapaati making step, chai-waala step, las ketchup song step, the macarena,dil-pe-kataari step, you just name it! Ballroom dancing, apparently, is a whole new ball game. You have to keep pointless things like technique, posture, tempo and mood in mind while doing it.

And it doesn't help that these people take their ballroom dancing bloody seriously. For example, this is how they introduce you to the dance step called cha-cha: " The cha-cha has a base step structure of "1-2-3-cha-cha", with a base tempo of 32 bps ( beats per second), and the primary mood for this is naughtatious, which is a combination of naughty and flirtatious. The base step structure for the cha-cha used to be "1-2-cha-cha-cha" instead of "1-2-3-cha-cha" until 1991, when the Internation Assosiation of ballroom Dancers ( IABD) changed it following a lawsuit by Greenpeace." These guys seriously need to take it easy. It's a dance step, not the technical specification document for the Chandrayaan, for God's sake.

Initially I did have trouble keeping up with all the ultra-precise mumjo-jumbo. I ended up breaking a substantial number of my dancing partners' toe-nails. But things have begun to look up. I am no longer confusing rumba with samba, samba with cha-cha, and left foot with right foot. Give me another 2-3 weeks, and I'll be John-fuckin-Travolta.

But you know what? Ballroom dancing's actually fun. After you've gotten over all the technical crap like 'bend your left ankle at 45 degrees, and take your right foot forward perpendicular to your partner's shoulder-line while bending your left arm at 37.6 degrees to the window on your right while juggling while making love to a tiger', it's actually fun. The best part of ballroom dancing is, that the guy gives all the leads, and the female has to whatever the guy directs her to do. For once, women are listening to me ( good for them). This false sense of power is overwhelming, actually. Imagine... one moment I'm dancing the straight step, and WHENEVER I WANT TO, I can make the female do another step. How bloody awesome is that!

You know, just about a month back, I was at the Hawaiian Shack ( a discotheque in Mumbai) and somehow managed to find a girl to dance with ( all thanks to my superpretty friend petti, who with his cute face always manages to find a girl to dance with, and then gets me her erstwhile partner to dance with). Anyway, we were dancing our stupid random steps, when the girl suddenly asked me "Do you know jive?" The following conversation ensued:

Me: What? i couldn't hear you... it's too loud here.
Her: Do you know Jive?
Me(Doing the I-am-deaf action): Whaaaaaaaaaaat?
Her: Jive! do you know Jive?
Me: hell yeah I know Clive...he's my boss... but how do you know him?
She: Not Clive, JIVE!!!!
Me: Yeah man.. this party is so ALIVE!
She: {some Konkani swearwords}
Me: Oh Jive.... no, i don't know Jive.
She: Ok, I'll teach you :-)

She then proceeded to teach me the basics of Jive. In the following 30 seconds, I broke her left toe-nail, elbowed the poor guy behind me, and broke my 5th pint of beer that I thought I could manage to hold while dancing Jive. So hopeless I was at doing the Jive, that another WOMAN came and plucked the girl I was dancing with from me, and started doing the Jive with her. Imagine... a girl coming and stealing your girl. I sincerely can't think of a worse insult. It didn't help that all my haraami guy friends were on the floor laughing when they saw that. That day I swore that I would learn Jive, and hunt this woman down, and do the Jive again with her. Now guess what? I can now do the Jive, goddamnit! Now all I have to do is find that girl again. (I have enough information to hunt her down. Her name starts with S, and she's a Goan... I mean how many GOan girls can there be with their names starting with S...).

Anyway, that's that, and before I sign off, here's a Top-Gear top-tip: Guys, learn some dance form other than what your seniors taught you at college. Your awesome kite-flying step isn't appreciated by the girls anymore. Neither is a good heart, solid moral values, beautiful brown eyes, and a body like a Greek God ( All this I've learnt through personal experience). Girls want you to know the Jive now.

Update: 3 months since I've learnt the Jive. No sign of the girl yet. There are way too many Goan girls with their name starting with S. And they slap a lot when they're drunk.

38 comments:

Destiny's child... said...

All the best for your dance classes as well as for finding the goan girl whose name starts with an 's'..;)

Shanu said...

ROFL..GOOD ONE!

malabika said...

wow.... impressive!!!! i hope u find the- girl-whose-name-stats-with-s

Anonymous said...

So..u r @ it again! Awesome!! liked it..

Parikshith Kumar said...

old-monk-ka-Khamba, kuthe-zhaala-aahes-re... Ha ha ha ha ha... Man, these certainly are sublime Latin dance forms:-) Come to think of it, you missed out on another sublime Latin dance genre from the same family - MinisshaLamba!!! :-P

Good one :-)

Uday said...

You are just too amazin at this...

I suggest better you catch that girl who introduced you to dancing classes...i kno she has a goan friend (girl)whose name starts with 'S'

Jass said...

LOL!:D

Bullshee said...

You dancing? Ballroom dancing?

Nyet! Nah-uh! Nope! Nada! Nahin! Illa!

Won't believe it till I see it!

It isn't physically possible! It's as complicated as CERN's particle collider cycles!

Aditya said...

Didn't think I'd see ur post anytime soon... Good read :)

Jaganmay said...

LOL.. BOHUT ACCHEY

yossarianspeaks said...

lol..
Another observation i'd like to share..MJ's .." you kicked me in the crotch " step... its a hot favourite among the ladies..try that out at the havana shack...even Castro will wanna jive with you..

Chutney..(LND Junior..here)

/urgu said...

You should post more often dude. Seriously good stuff, this. Keep em coming....

Nautanki sssaala said...

@yossarianspeaks: chutney... bloody hell man... where have you been?

@bullshee: dude, you've got to see me do it. have you seen the new "Sugar free bon-bons" ad, where there are these huge sumo wrestlers doing balle and flying around gracefully? It's a little like that...

@urgu: buddy man, i think, many blogposts ago you asked which NIT i am from. The answer's calicut. That explains the unusually large number of mallus visiting this place.

@ malabika: i've found about 20 Goan girls with their name starting with S. None of them seem to recognize me. Maybe I look more handsome when not in the dim lights of a disco...

Jyoti said...

" Rumba, Samba, old-monk-ka-Khamba, kuthe-zhaala-aahes-re-thaamba, to name a few). "

ROFL!

Where did you come up with these?

And OOH YEAH.. Kite flying step IS FUNNY!

moo said...

i remember you taking those classes...never seen the dance moves though.

RCB said...

Autocad 9.0 to design her bottoms

Brilliant. Never have NURBS and Quadratic surfaces been put to better use. I wonder how many 'Brassiere' surfaces it takes to approximate a woman's figure. Get it? Bezier-Brassiere...?

(Sigh) I'm never gonna get laid, am I? No one wants the geek. Damn you, cold cold world!

Nautanki sssaala said...

@RCB: buudy, you know what really saddens my heart, is that most of the readers of this blog actually might understand your joke.

Sindhu :) said...

Rumba, Samba, old-monk-ka-Khamba, kuthe-zhaala-aahes-re-thaamba


Actually awesome! :D

You are too good at writing. You probably know it yourself and telling that may not make a difference at all... but let me say it any which way! :D

gkam said...

Galactically Awesome!

Bajal said...

I always thought fat dudes dancing is uber-cool.

RGB said...

Now dance...one, two, cha, cha, cha! Hmmm...how do u jive to that? Enjoyed reading ur post though!

nefertiti_xxxx said...

Hahaha, great post. u have got a great sense of humor. I noticed u in my blog, but couldnt place u. who is this again (i suspect we r bum-chums too!).

get bac fast...bests

Meghna Singhal said...

dude, how long r u gonna take to post ur next one, it's been ages!

arshat.chaudhary said...

dude, its been an age and a half since this post.. its time u posted a new one.. :)

TamMcfee668 said...

how do u do?

abhinavj said...

hilarious shit!! more i say! MORE!!

Shreyans Mehta said...

I guess you can join the dance club at IIMC now... u seem to have previous work-ex too... Just take care to avoid the rejections in your CV :P

Although I cant still promise a rendezvous with the Goan girl!

Nautanki sssaala said...

@Shreyans? IIMC??!!! With my CAT score, mujhe udhar jamadaar ki post bhi nahi milegi, let alone a student.

周伯啟江彥璋 said...

文章這麼好,怎麼可以不踩!............................................................

俊茹劉俊茹劉 said...

河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。..................................................

承蔡蔡芸 said...

百發百中不是一試就成的。..................................................

姿胤綸婷 said...

No pains, no gains..................................................................

敬周喜 said...

Poverty is stranger to industry..............................................

劉王育正劉王育正 said...

成功可招引朋友,挫敗可考驗朋友......................................................................

靜錢錢錢怡錢錢錢錢 said...

與朋友在一起,分擔的痛苦是減半的痛苦,分享的快樂是加倍的快樂。......................................................................

佳皓佳皓佳皓 said...

從來愛都不知它的深度,非得等到別離的時候.....................................................................

孫邦柔 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼............................................................

Kanwar said...

Maza aagya! Humour Sahi hai!